KIMIKO
HIRAI SOLDATI
OFFICIAL SITE
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OFFICIAL SITE |
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My Testimony I know that God has been working in my life and ordering my steps well before I knew anything about Him. I did not grow up knowing anything about God or who He was or that I could have a relationship with Him. I was a gymnast for many years, but had a knee injury that ended my gym career. It brought me into diving and through Colorado State, to Indiana where I met my husband to down here to train in the Woodlands with my coach Kenny and ultimately to find Jesus. When I arrived here, Kenny asked me one day if I knew Jesus. I actually laughed at him because I didn’t want or think I had a need for Jesus or anyone for that matter. I was in control of my life and I could make anything happen by my strength. I was living at the Yarbroughs, friends of my family from Colorado and they let my husband and I live with them until we built our house. They were coming to the Ark and had invited us to come along. We went one Sunday and I was surprised at myself that I like it and Pastor Alan was so amazing and real. We continued to come to church and I had a hunger in me to figure out what this whole Christian thing was about. I asked a lot of questions to Don and Peggy, and I saw how they lived and I saw Alan and Joy and I saw that they had something that I didn’t have and that I wanted. I saw peace. So I started reading the Bible and poured through the whole thing. I was extremely resistant to saying yes to Jesus, it went so against my nature and every time Alan led the prayer, I would sit on my hands and say no way, not yet. I had a big problem with the whole faith thing. I wanted to get it all figured out and understand it all before I made a decision, but that is not faith. Finally after months and months of agonizing over the decision to say yes, my husband and I raised our hands and I was saved. Now, after I raised my hands, I was like- “This is it?”. I feel exactly the same, I still have all the same questions, same doubts- I guess I was expecting lighting bolts and angels singing. So I continued learning and trying to ‘get’ this whole Christian thing.
One day on my way to Nationals, I was reading a book by Christian athletes talking about giving it to God, letting it go to God and glorifying God. I didn’t ‘get’ it. I told Adam, I don’t understand. What do they mean? I was frustrated because I didn’t feel what they meant. So I am on the plane and I guess I am praying, didn’t really know what that was, but God gave me a vision. I am underground, in a tunnel. And I am digging away at the tunnel with my fingers trying to get where I wanted to be as fast as I could do it. Dirt is flying, my hands are sore, I am sweating but doggone it, I will get there! As I am digging, I realize there is someone standing next to me. I kind of turn to see who it is, and it was Jesus. I don’t stop my digging, but say to myself, that’s nice-I guess, hi how are ya, I got work to do. So I am back to my digging. Dirt is flying less, things are going slower and I am starting to get tired. So as I’m digging, I notice that the guy, Jesus, next to me has a shovel. ‘Ok’ I thought, ‘He wants to help me out here’. After some time, I finally stop digging and turn to Him and accept the shovel. There, I’ve accepted help and in spite of my pride realize it would be nice to have a little help. So I turn back to my wall and start using the shovel. Yea, I think. This is so much easier. I have a second wind and continue digging away. Things are going much faster, much easier and I’m getting where I want to be more efficiently. But, as time moves on, I am tired. Really tired. Really, really tired. I am barely getting the shovel up to dig into the wall. My hands are killing me and my whole being is sore. I lean on my shovel and say to myself, ‘I am so sick and tired of doing this on my own. I can’t do this any more. I just can’t. It is all too much and I don’t want to do this anymore. Then I realize Jesus is standing there with his hands held out, palms up. I look at his hands, then at His face. I realize then, He wants me to give Him the shovel. I turn to Him. I have a questionable look on my dirt-smeared face. ‘You want me to give You the shovel?’ Whoa. I am totally freaked out. I look at my options, continue to try and do this on my own in my own strength, with sore and aching muscles, not making much progress, frustrated, exhausted, discouraged, or let Him do it. I slowly raise my shovel, holding- no gripping my shovel above his outstretched hands. I stand there frozen. I am terrified. I am in a place I have never been in, in all my life. I look up at his sweet face. ‘I am so scared to give this to you.’ He speaks to me in a soft and gentle voice. ‘It’s ok to be scared, I am here.’ Panicking I say ‘I really don’t want to give this to you. What if you don’t take me where I want to be. What if you start digging in another direction, what if I want to be there and you take me here, what if, what if, what if.’ He doesn’t try and talk me into it. He just comforts me. He soothes me. I know by His presence He could stand there for eternity holding his arms out to take my shovel. “I am not going anywhere,” he whispers. My knuckles are white on my sore hands gripping my shovel above his nail-scarred hands. I sit like this for what feels like forever. Probably ten minutes. I am bawling in my seat on the plane, the fellow next to me probably thinks I am insane. I don’t care. My fingers begin to loosen on the handle, it is so hard to move my fingers which have been gripping the wood, hanging on for dear life. I look into His eyes and all I see is love and acceptance. I lower the shovel until it rests on His hands and with my heart pounding out of my chest, tears streaming down my face I finally let go. I feel release. I feel freedom. I feel frightened but safe. I understand that I will let Him do the digging. I will let Him do the leading. I will be there the whole time in that tunnel with Him, right beside Him doing it together. I will follow where He leads me. I know I can trust Him with my shovel.
So, after this defining experience I open my eyes. The poor guy next doesn’t know what to do. I wipe off my tears and my snot, and I open the book I was reading that morning with my husband. Wow- I get it! I get it- I really get it. Now I understand what it means to let it go. Now I understand what it means to give it to God. The scales had fallen from my eyes and I understand how He wants to be in my life. He is control of my shovel and He is the one digging and navigating my tunnels of life. I still struggle with control. Sometimes I find myself without knowing it, that I’ve pushed Him out of the way and started digging again with my fingers. With dirt flying and my hands frantically clawing at the walls, I realize what I’ve done. I stop. Embarrassed, I turn around to Him as He stands waiting for me stop. I lower my head and say I’m sorry. He lifts my chin and says, “It’s ok, I love you.” I step aside and clear the way for Him to take up my shovel and continue His work. I can’t tell you how many times I have ‘taken my shovel back’ but I know He is faithful to be patient with me and will never get fed up with me and walk out my tunnel. He is in it for the long haul, through the darkness, dampness, and impenetrable walls. He will be there. And so will I.
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